On Fair Weather Fans...

I’ve vowed to nobody in particular that I will refrain from writing anything today that is remotely baby related. It’s not like we are 9 days out or anything. There is certainly no reason to start panicking…or losing sleep…or vomiting…

I think I’ve also exhausted the Netflix issue. Suffice to say, it still does it for me…

So it must be time for more personal reflection. Believe me, this hurts me worse than it hurts you. I have to open doors…doors emblazoned with the words “soul inside” on them. These are doors that should remain closed at all times. Not because it is particularly dark in there. It’s just…untidy. I have opinions flying around all over the place in there. Some are even strong. The most annoying are the undefined opinions though. They are always trying to get me to clarify…usually by way of research. You remember my policy on research. I swear, if my Opinion On American Military Power in the Southern Hemisphere doesn’t stop asking for this clarity thing, I’m banishing it. I’m serious, I’ll just go without…

However, one opinion that has been elevated to my Beeley Personality Canon is on Fair Weather Fandom. You know these people. They are the ones that jump on the bandwagon when a team is doing well in a particular sport and act as if they had been there all along. They are the people that drive up ticket prices at what was once an empty stadium/arena during the good times, but seemingly vanish during the bad times. They are pretty easy to spot too. Make a reference to a player on that was on the team during the bad years and they look at you with a blank stare. They have no idea who that guy is because they weren’t watching during that time. Some of these fair weather fans don’t even know the players on the good team either.

You should know that I am that guy…

…proudly so in fact. I wear my badge of Fair Weather Fandom with pride. I simply do not understand the fan that punishes themselves week after week (in football) or night after night (hockey, baseball) just to watch their team lose…again. It's not like God awards you some sort of crown for commitment to losing causes. Heck, everyone in Arizona would be a saint if that were the case...in any sport. Or, if atheism is your thing, it's not as if you were better at life because you stuck with the Clippers. Seriously, I noticed around age 22 when I left college that there was a severe shortage of one thing in my life…and that was time. With 24 hours in a day, and the need for 8-10 of them being asleep, I had to start prioritizing. Losing sports teams are not high up there in the competition for my attention. I’ll give you some looks in the newspaper, or online, but don’t expect my devotion or anything. With a baby on the way (crap, oh well, I tried at least), what do you think the outlook is on increasing my free time…?

The reason this comes up, and perhaps you were unaware, but the Redskins are heading into a crucial weekend that will establish their playoff appearance. That is to say, whether or not they will be appearing. The Redskins are my team. They’ve always been my team…well, since I moved here in 1983. I do remember some affinity for the Bengals, but that had more to do with being 8 years old and their helmets being tiger striped. I will admit, there was a definite lack of…passion on my part over the past years for the 'Skins. Let’s call those years the “Non-Gibbs Years”. During those years I’d tune in for the first few games of the season just to get the barometer reading on things. Usually the barometer reading was “outlook uncertain” followed by a distinct “bail out”. Needless to say, bail out I did.

Not so this season. I’m in for the duration, even if it all goes down in flames. This season has been nothing if not entertaining. That is, after all, really want I want from my sports teams. Domination is nice, but you can’t ask for a better final game than one where you control your destiny, but success isn’t assured either. This game has meaning. That it could potentially knock out the Cowboys makes it doubly delicious…or that much more excruciating if failure occurs. That a win Sunday would mean the trifecta, that is, wins against not only the hated Cowboys, but the godless Giants and loathsome Eagles is just bliss. It’s football heroin. And I'm a hopeless junky.

Fair Weather indeed…

Indeed…

On Best Of 2005...

I’m having trouble thinking of a more worthless time period during the year than the week between Christmas and New Year’s. If you are unlucky…or a poor manager of your vacation time…you are at work. I’ll give you one guess where I am right now. However, as a contractor supporting the government…and by supporting I of course mean analyzing since I am an analyst…this is probably my favorite time of year. The traffic is light…I can get a seat on the Metro…and there isn’t really anyone around to actually, you know, manage me…

This is also the best time of year to be an internet surfer. My job is such that I have periods of rain followed by periods of drought (this is a workload metaphor, so stay with me). I don’t want to give you the wrong impression that just this week is a drought. Basically, this whole year has been like the freaking Sahara. It’s the little things that get me excited now, and this week is surfing gold for one reason: the various and assorted Annual Top Ten Lists…

…You might be confused about now because not two days ago I lamented the existence of lists. I think I was fairly convincing in that post, probably enough for you to change your lifestyle and rip up your lists. I have that affect. So I’m sorry to throw you this curve. You should realize that I mostly just hate lists that somehow involve my labor, or worse, remind me of the things… Lists that involve someone’s opinion on a myriad of subjects fascinate me…or give me something to ridicule.

Since I have some affinity for movies, the huge amount of Top Ten Movies of 2005 lists can keep me entertained for…man, like a whole two hours. That much waste of time usually inspires me to waste even more time…It inspires me to make my own list.

For the past couple of years I put together a little mental list of the best movies I’ve seen. Since I don’t actually get out much, most of the movies I watch are Netflix rentals. So my list is the best of the movies I saw in the year, not from the year. The other stipulation is that the movies on the list are all ones that I saw for the first time. It is really the only way I can assure that Tombstone doesn’t appear on the list every year.

2005 was a sparse movie year for me. I average probably 10 movies a month. Actually, to be more accurate, I average 10 DVDs a month from Netflix with the occasional foray to the theater. In 2005, TV shows dominated my Netflix queue. Thanks to Alias, Firefly, Lost and Battlestar Galactica, the list of movies I saw this year is much more manageable.

Here are the best (maybe more than ten) movies I saw for the first time in 2005:

12) The Revenge of the Sith (2005): Star Wars III was certainly the best of the prequel movies. Frankly, I’m just glad to see it over and done with. My biggest complaint for the prequels is that models and muppets were replaced almost entirely with CGI. Still, it is hard to argue that the movie did not deliver on finally showing how Darth becomes Darth. No where close to the originals though.

11) War Games (1983): My wife made the comment that my 80’s cred is in severe question because I did not catch this in my childhood. Personally though, if a movie didn’t have John Cusack in it, is it really an 80’s movie? I enjoyed this particularly because I work with many of those Air Force dudes whose career was somewhat portrayed in the movie.

10) Whale Rider (2003): A girl riding a whale is not something I would normally put high on my list of things I gotta see. It is certainly one that I look forward to watching again with a young Kaleigh though.

9) Where Eagles Dare (1968): Old school Clint Eastwood in something other than a Western? If that something else is a WWII movie, count me in. This is a reminder of the day that action movies kept things simple and yet, the story was still superior too much of today’s fare.

8) The Professional (1994): I’m not sure how I got through college without seeing this, but I finally got around to it. This is the beginning of Natalie Portman’s career. This was also a fairly simple plot line that was executed very well.

7) The Incredibles (2004): I bought this movie before I had even watched it. Pixar is that solid that I know that I have not wasted my money. Of course I justify these animated purchases with “it’s for my kid(s)”. Yeah, I don’t think anyone is buying that line.

6) The Wild Bunch (1969): This was really my introduction to Sam Peckinpah’s films. I’m a sucker for a good western for some reason, and this did not disappoint.

5) The Aviator (2004): I have a bent against Leonardo DiCaprio for some reason. I thought he was way overrated in most everything he starred in, especially Titanic. However, Catch Me If You Can was excellent and he carried that over into The Aviator.

4) Serenity (2005): What can I say? My wife and I fell for the TV series on DVD like a lot of folks it seems. Our daughter’s name even came from Kaylee on the show since we liked it so much. However, my wife would be quick to point out that our daughter was not named for the character.

3) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (2005): I’ve already said more than my piece on this.

2) Batman Begins (2005): Of all the movies, this one probably left the most of an impression on me as a whole. It was certainly the DVD I anticipated purchasing the most. I think that Christian Bale was the perfect casting for Batman. I was glad that Warner Brother’s finally treated the series with some respect. I know there is some fandom out there that liked the more comic book version of the first Batman. I enjoyed that Batman too (well, the first movie), but I do prefer my comic book heroes darker.

1) Hotel Rwanda (2004): I give this top billing for my 2005 movie watching mostly because of the real life story it portrays. I was certainly not my favorite movie to watch as far as subject matter. I liked Hotel Rwanda not just for the portrayal of a remarkable life, but for the questions it generates about humanity, and especially the policies for the world in response to humanitarian crisis.

Well, that is it for 2005. The hardest part about these lists is that I try to only put movies on my Netflix queue that I know I really want to see…the same thing I do with the movies I choose to see in theater. That makes it tough. I will say that I saw a lot of Asian films this year, mostly from China and Korea. While none made my top 12, I certainly enjoyed them. I especially enjoyed Shoalin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, Oldboy and Tae Guk Gi. I also liked Ray, Million Dollar Baby and Shine.

And I’m spent…

On Narnia (Part II)

I was finally able to take a gander at The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe over the long Christmas weekend. As you’ll recall, this movie was of some importance to my wife who absolutely loved the books. That is not to say that there was not some desire to see it on my part either, but there was considerable less…anticipation. I say we finally saw the movie because our previous attempts to see Narnia were foiled by pregnancy related tiredness, and non-pregnancy related lethargy…on my part.

It’s almost impossible for me to review Narnia without making comparisons to the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) movies. I guess that is natural considering the now famous friendship and common love of myth that Tolkien and Lewis shared. I will admit, it has been a couple of years since I read the Narnia series so I did not go into the movie with the same attention to detail that I did for LOTR, nor did I watch Narnia through the eyes of a purist. I cannot tell you accurately what was left out from the book and what was added onto the screen that did not exist in the original work. For example, my wife reminded me that the reason that the four Pevensie children enter the wardrobe in the book is different than the one given on screen. Whatever. I was just happy that they got through and the real fun could begin.

Although I’m no purist, I think there are two components of Narnia that must be done well to make a successful movie. The first is the Pevensie children. If any of the four turns in a particularly weak performance, the whole movie could stumble. Happily, this is where the major strength of the movie is found. The four actors portraying the Peviensie’s are well cast, particularly Georgie Henley who plays Lucy. She carries much of the first half of the movie. Skandar Keynes plays Edmund, the child that eventually is seduced by the White Witch to sell out his siblings and Aslan. I’ve seen other reviews that are upset at how dark Edmund is played in the movie and that his counterpart in the book is simply more naïve than angry. I’ll let the purists debate that, but for me, the movie portrayal of Edmund worked. The other two Pevensie’s, Peter (William Moseley) and Susan (Anna Popplewell) are also well played. All four children will eventually become Kings and Queens of Narnia, but one gets the sense that Peter is the real King and he plays that role well.

The second major component is Aslan the lion. In both the book and the movie the story drives towards the Pevensie’s and the reader/viewer meeting Aslan. His name is spoken with reverence and anticipation from all the woodland and mythical creatures of Narnia, including Father Christmas. He is obviously viewed as the Savior (more on that in a minute). Aslan in the movie was impressive, but more due to the CGI that went into building him than for his actual role. I think that is more to do with books versus movies though. Aslan in your imagination takes more awe than any character on screen possibly can. When Aslan finally comes of out his tent I was somewhat let down. I also think that Aslan in the book is much more of the authority/father/friend figure that he is in the movie, probably owing to time constraints.

Narnia itself is done very well. The creatures, the land and the buildings were all very cool to look at and built that sense that you were very much in a land of fairy tale. The contrast between the land of internal winter produced by the White Witch and the springtime thaw that comes with Aslan is sufficiently stark. The CGI is not as meticulous as the LOTR, but I like it that way. Where LOTR needed to be ultra realistic in it’s portrayal of Middle Earth, I like that there is something a little less so about Narnia and its characters. It is, after all, a fairy tale land meant to appeal to children.

Before I go into what I really want to highlight about the movie, I do also need to state that Tilda Swinton was a perfect choice for the White Witch. Her performance is strong and, in some ways, I’d say she outshines Aslan in many of her scenes.

Okay, so all that is really the set-up for what really impressed me about the movie, and ties back into my original Narnia post of a couple weeks ago. I stated then that there were two controversies occurring over Narnia, the first being whether the story was really Christian allegory. I was interested in seeing if somehow the movie toned down those allegories from the book, because frankly, I didn’t think there was much question that they existed. To my surprise, the allegory is very obvious in the movie. I’m not trying to be a jerk here, but if it is not obvious to you then you are not familiar with Christian theology. This is not just a movie that uses western themes, of which a savior/messiah has been prominent for centuries (e.g., The Matrix). This is distinct representation of Jesus as a big CGI lion dying to redeem the sins of Edmund (man) to redeem the world (Narnia). I’m not saying you have to agree with the theology, but don’t be blind to what Lewis was trying to do. If anything, I believe the visuals of the movie do a better job of telling that story than the books do. That alone makes Narnia a success.

On Lists...

Well, that’s done. Christmas is now off the list of things that need to be accomplished before Delivery-Day (D-Day) arrives. I’m not saying that we viewed Christmas as a chore or anything. In fact, thanks to some great friends of ours, both Christmas Eve and Christmas were very enjoyable. And the loot…well, I think I’ll enjoy my Tivo and Battlefield 2 very much thank you. I may even look presentable at work, for once, with some styling threads provided by Mom and Dad. Some things never change…

The Fake Tree Princess is now retired…but not before she got a parting shot off. Normally we’d keep the tree up until after New Years. Not this year though. I was forced to remove the tree to make room for more baby swag. Honestly, I’m not even sure how babies lived “back in the day” if they didn’t have all absolute necessities we have today...like a Pack N’ Play. So on my way out the door with our tree, The Fake Tree Princess notes that the evidence for fake tree-ery is literally all over our living room. I’ll admit, the real tree did shed a bit on the way out…but honestly, at least 50% of the needles were still on the tree so I fail to see what the big deal was. Maybe she meant the remaining water in the tree stand that I managed to pour all over our carpet…

In place of the Fake Tree Princess has come Her Majesty of the Lists. Her Majesty is gifted. She has lists listing the lists she needs to make. And she cannot be stopped either. Once the juggernaut gets going, it consumes everything…it’s favorite food being my free time. I already got a call this morning (at 7:45a.m.) telling me she had made a list of things for me to do today. Goody. I’m just hoping that the list doesn’t require the assembly of anything... You may have heard that I frown on that sort of thing.

I guess it is not really my wife’s fault. I’m list deficient. Actually, I’m list inept. And don’t bring up Netflix. That is a queue. Queues I can do, lists chafe me. Living via a list is not my natural state of being. It is not were I am generally found operating…. Okay, so I’m not usually found operating anywhere, but that is besides the point. The point is, these babies seem to generate more lists than even I’m used to. The further point is, someone, possibly even you, should have warned me!

On Poetry...

The following poem was created by my wife's 7th period class as an ode to her. Each kid wrote at least two lines and passed it on.

Mrs. Plowden, Mrs. Plowden, what can I say.
Having you teach us just makes our day.

We love you Mrs. Plowden, and someday maybe
You’ll come back and show us the new baby.

Hey Mrs. Plowden, I won’t fall anymore.
But I’ll continue to read classics, Quoth the raven, nevermore.

We are sad that you are going away,
You are nice, and we want you to stay.

Thank you for being a great teacher all this time,
Yeah, I can’t really come up with a good rhyme.

Mrs. Plowden you were too kind,
A teacher like you is hard to find.

We will miss you a lot when you’re gone,
But we are sure you will be a good mom.

You have cleared the path to lead the way,
To a bright future that will guide us all the way.

You’re the best English teacher ever.
Good luck with your new baby and we’ll remember you forever.

Mrs. Plowden, I’m sorry to see you go,
I hope you come back with baby in tow.
Oh my, I hope you visit us soon.
We’ll be waiting, an hour after noon.

What can I say,
besides the fact that I’ll miss you everyday?

Mrs. Plowden’s the best,
Even when she gives us tests.

Mrs. Plowden why are you leaving us? We are all in a fuss.
English and Ta were the best,
Why can’t you be here for the rest?

I think you’re pretty dandy,
Even when you don’t give us candy.


Dear Mrs. Plowden and Kaleigh,
We will miss you two.
The fun times,
The sad times,
But we always had the talking time!

I will really miss you,
You are such a great teacher, the teachers that can match you are few.

I will miss you, I will cry boo hoo.
I sometimes went coo coo, but I will miss you.
Yours always,

Dear Queen of English, you are pretty much the coolest teacher in like a long time.
I will miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Dear Mrs. Plowden, You are the very best.
I hope you have a good mom quest!

Mrs. Plowden, understanding and help me learn.
My passion for you deep inside burns.

Even though I’m really sad,
I hope when you have your baby you are really glad.

Even though we would like you to stay,
Your new born baby is on the way.
We will miss you much,
We will miss you well,
We will miss you more than we can tell.

On Change...

I have been told by no less the 10,000 individuals that the coming of a child, especially the first, will change your life forever. I believe the exact phrase seems to be “Everything is going to change” and it is usually followed by “No seriously, you have no idea how much things change”. I have no doubt this is true, but after the third person told me, the message sunk in. I’ve been saturated by it…there is no need to continue to cliché me to death…

However, for my wife, change is not just academic or something that will occur in the future. It has been a constant for the past few months. Starting at the end of the 1st trimester her eating habits changed. That is to say, she made a habit of ralphing up everything she ate, sometimes during car rides. She even stopped eating chocolate for a while, which I thought was a sure sign of the Apocalypse. Then came the body changes, and more importantly, the limitations that they imposed. I am greatly amused by this sometimes, especially the hilarious attempts to get off the couch. She is not as amused…at least, I think that is what that hand gesture she keeps giving me means…

Today starts what may be the biggest change for her though. As I stated yesterday, my wife is an 8th Grade English teacher. This is a job that you couldn’t pay me enough to do… Interestingly, they don’t actually pay my wife enough to do it either. That she enjoys it is further proof that she and I are not cut from the same cloth….I’m not even sure we are the same material.

But I digress…

The Winter Break for schools in this area starts tomorrow. Since we have decided that my wife will stay home for at least the rest of this school year, today is her last day of classes. We are also in the process of deciding if she will stay at home for longer than just this year. Obviously, this is a big change for her because she is stopping something she loves to do. And the change could be semi-permanent, or at least until our child and possibly children start school of their own. In affect, this is a double life change that she is going through, and that can be scary.

So babe, I just want you to know that I appreciate what you are doing. I know that this is not an easy day for you, and I know that there are a lot of question marks about the future. You will, however, make a great mother just as you made a great teacher. Enjoy today as your students and workmates show you exactly how much you will be missed. That should be a testament to what kind of a person you are. I cannot wait for the next few weeks to play out and for our family to add its new member. And, as you know, I will support whatever future work decisions we make…

…unless finances dictate that I have to give up Netflix. Then, I believe, the answer is obvious…

On The Old Testament...

And on a completely different note, I just needed to trumpet a personal achievement of mine. I decided a little over a year ago that I needed to read the Bible in its entirety...you know, just to see what all the hubbub was about. I finally finished the Old Testament yesterday. While I'm sure the would be much disagreement among some of my faithful readership, I think we can all agree on one thing. That Testament is long.

On a pagan note, today is the Winter Solstice. Okay, I guess that is more scientific than pagan, but I for one am glad that today is the shortest day of the year. I'll be happy when I'm not leaving for work before the sun comes up and getting home after its gone down...

On Princesses...

…and while we are on the subject of princesses, so rudely thrust upon me by my so called “friend”, I’ve got a few things to get off my chest. I don’t want to suggest that you are about to hear me rant, but I will just state for the record that there is foam in my mouth. I would never admit to losing sleep over this issue, but Starbucks is currently an associate of mine with some standing.

I’m resigned to my fate as a father of a girl. (Actually, truth be told, I’m ecstatic, but I have to keep my game face on for this rant so just act like you aren’t…aware). I know that pink will be in for a while. There will be lacy things, frills and accessories that I’ve never worn, but have probably bought for the fairer sex at some point. And I know that unicorns, fairy tales, princesses and pandas will invade my inner sanctum like a prostitute in the Vatican, but I think that I can deal with all that. I can even deal with sitting and watching some silly Sally Macguire, or whatever the heck her name is, on the Disney channel.

However, something started eating at me as we received articles of clothing with some version of “I’m a princess” on them for Kaleigh. Now, I have zero problems with a baby or little girl wearing something of a princess advertisement. That is an acceptable age where everything is a fairly tale and full of wonder anyway. But if the little princess onesy gets replace at age 13 for a mid-rif shirt with “Princess” written in material that shines or glitters, that’s when Dad is going to invade her little kingdom…and I’ll be coming with minions…

You see, part of my problem…the problem I had at the sonogram when they stuck the camera up her hoo-ha and notice a distinct absence of wang…is that I never saw little baby Kaleigh, or even elementary school Kaliegh in my mind’s eye. No, I saw high school Kaleigh… I saw make-up, cell-phones and boyfriends. And you’ll have to forgive me, but I started building my defenses right then and there. As I stated elsewhere, policies started to form.

One policy is that my little girl will not grow up to be some women-princess hybrid that you see walking around these days. Princesses, after about 10 years old, does not equate to cute. It equates to @#$%^. I don’t think I need to spell @#$%^ for you do I? And yeah, sure, maybe it is that I’m the husband of an 8th grade teacher (more on that tomorrow…oooh, some foreshadowing), but I’ve heard one too many stories of the “princess syndrome” stalking the halls of our education system. To be sure, the boys have there own…issues, but since I am not having a son, they are excused from this rant. Be assured that my policy on boys would be much shorter and would involve Doc Martens, his posterior and no Vaseline.

I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to achieve this perfect young lady that I have envisioned. I will say that she has a good mother to help in the guidance process. I will also say that being poor should help alleviate some of the spoilage. It’s amazing what not having money can do. Regardless though, I think that not getting wrapped around her finger from the beginning is they way to go…

…if that’s the case, I’m already doomed…

On Blood...

I will admit that this Christmas season has been somewhat of a challenge. You may remember that my wife and I are going to be spending this Christmas apart from family due to her limited ability to travel. Some very kind friends of our have allowed for our intrusion into their holiday planning however, and I for one am thankful for that. However, I also feel a little self-inflicted pressure to make this Christmas as special as I can for my wife while staying in our budget. This is no easy task, I assure you…

…but even if I was made of money, I don’t think that this would be on my list.

I’m thinking…I don’t know, maybe Halloween on that one. Certainly not Valentines Day, nor an Anniversary of any kind. Blood just never seems to be on my short list of presents for Christmas.

In seriousness though, anyone who gets pregnant these days will probably face the Cord Blood question from their OB/GYN. It’s usually one of the little glossy pamphlets they give you and is promptly ignored by the husband and fretted over by the wife. I had never even heard of it before my wife informed me that we had another decision to make. My first thought was – “They can do that. Excellent.”, which was followed by – “They want how much for it? Bogus.” (Yes, I do often think about major life decisions in my Bill & Ted voice). There are a few companies that will save the stem cells in the cord blood, but at this stage, it isn’t cheap. I think we were looking at anything from $2000 to $6000. The cheaper amount meant that you would pay an annual fee of around $250…every year.

As I understand it, which is not saying much I assure you, “banking” the cord blood assures that your child has a ready supply of stem cells that can possibly save them from certain blood diseases, and in the future, from even more things. For that money though, they better be able to grow an additional arm…you know, for grappling. Think about how useful that would be. Most of these diseases are very rare, which means you are likely buying the liquid equivalent of…nothing...if they never get sick.

And that's the sticking point of course. If on the off chance that your child does suffer from one of those diseases and you didn’t save the cord blood… Ah guilt, I know thee well.

On Smoking...

Let me step back into the little confessional booth I’ve established here and tell you, my “priests”, about the real darkness of my soul. I have, through no fault of my own, found myself to be a member of the counter-culture. This frightens me to no end because I’ve observed that the counter-culture usually requires some sort of tattooing and/or piercing…usually in a place that hurts, or worse…oozes. I’m not into oozings of any kind…something that I hear first time parents learn to get over quickly. Well, I guess that’s another item I can add to the "Looking Forward To…" List. I'll put it right next to "worry about college fund"...

Besides a distinct aversion to getting a haircut, the one other thing I have in common with the counter-culture is that I am distinctly anti-anti-smoking. I know I just blew some of your English teacher minds with a double negative, but whose blog is this anyway? More importantly, I am probably one of a few non-smokers who actually likes second hand smoke. I’d say I was the only one, but I did meet another girl who also likes it and thus destroyed my originality. Oh well. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I saddle up next to smokers at a bar and position myself for optimal second hand smoke inhilation, it’s just that I don’t really think you’ve entered a bar unless a nice fog is hanging about. I mean, how else do you even know you’ve gone out unless you have some of the stink on you?

By the way, if you are tempted to read this post as sarcasm, don’t…I’m dead serious. Okay, maybe I’m just moderately serious, I’m certainly not going to die for this belief or anything… However, I’m totally against these measures banning smoking in cities, including the one that is likely to pass in DC. The one time I go into DC every two years is totally ruined now. I’m certainly not going to do anything rash, like become an activist or anything, but if there is a petition of some kind…preferably online so I don’t have to actually talk to anyone, I’m totally your man.

Lest you bring up my cigar smoking as some sort of proof that I am a smoker myself, I ask you to reconsider. One cigar every half-year does not make me a smoker. If you had to endure the ritual purification that I go through to be acceptable to my wife’s olfactory sensors after a cigar, you’d limit your intake too. She is totally opposed, and probably a bit ashamed of my beliefs too. Something about her parents smoking, blah, blah, blah. I usually tune out once I see her soap box coming out.

If it weren’t for that whole cancer thing, something that I do oppose, I’d take up the naughty habit myself probably. It would totally give me a legitimate reason to not do work 15 minutes out of every hour for a smoke break. Of course, I'd still have to come up with something for the other 45 minutes. And after having accompanied folks on their smoke break on a few occasions, let me tell you that you learn things on those breaks. I wouldn't know half the dirt I know in life if it wasn't for smokers. So there is something to be said for it...

Of course, if I see Kaleigh ever smoking, the cancer won’t be the thing that kills her…

On Woot...

Short update today, but hopefully I’ll find time to shirk my regular work duties to come back and give you a further piece of my mind. I might also give you a good talking to, depending on my mood.

As I fully embrace the fact that I am a shill of some sort or another, I want to turn you on to another website that I find scrumptious. Woot.com is an online clearinghouse for electronic products that, frankly, rocks my socks. Its “business model” is simple. They will post one product a day starting at 12:00a.m. CST. That one product stays up for 24 hours unless it sells out, which I’ve seen happen on a few occasions. Usually the deals are a lot better than you will find anywhere else, which is why you only have 24 hours to take advantage of it. I'm not saying that I've used this site recently to purchase a Christmas gift...but then again, I'm not not saying that either *wink*.

Unfortunately, I’ve picked a weak date to tell you of this internet goldmine. Alas, today’s Woot is not what I’d call cool. In fact, it’s what I’d call “grandpa”. Don’t let that dissuade you though. Tomorrow is another day and will probably be back to delicious…

By the way Cowboys fans (*cough*davetilley*cough*) that was...um...interesting and enjoyable. I'd like to order that again for the next meeting.

On Hopes...

Even long before Kaleigh Madison was a twinkle in our eyes, my wife and I would sometimes play the “I Hope” game. That is the one where you say “I hope our daughter(s)/son(s) have your (fill in the blank)”. This is a cute game designed to passively compliment your spouse, or to pass a gruelingly long road trip to see the in-laws…sometimes both.

This can be a dangerous game at times. One should not attempt to play if one is, say, an idiot. Take for example this completely “hypothetical” story that possibly happened to a “friend” of mine. During a televised Women’s World Cup match, my “friend” said to his then girlfriend and future wife: “If we get married and have daughters, I hope they are just like you…except athletic”. I won’t point out the mistake in that sentence, I’ll let you do a bit of your own analysis. Let's just say that there may have been tears, and my "friend" may have had to sign apologetic documentation entitled: “Further Proof That I Suck”.

Now that Kaleigh is on the way, we are no longer playing the I Hope game as amateurs. We’ve become masters at it. Police sketch artists would find it very easy to produce a drawing based on our detailed descriptions. This is no longer a passive attempt to compliment the spouse. It is business. Just the other day it was hoped that Kaleigh does not have my skin. It is true too, I’m basically a freaking lizard with scaly skin that you could make shoes from… I even shed my skin once yearly, and I’m in season right now as a matter of fact. Also, my nose is not desirable on a female. Apparently “big” doesn’t go well with any kind of prom dress. My eyes, hair and smile are a go though…so that’s something.

Personality traits are not immune to the game either. Now that we are about to be parents…which implies that we will have to do some level of parent-ing, we are hoping beyond hope that we don’t have a little hellion… In other words, we hope Kaleigh does not take after her father in her childhood years. Personally, I’d trade any amount of early childhood hardship over teenage female drama. It’s not that I dread her teenage years, it’s just that I’d rather, you know…. flee to the hills.

Regardless, I think that anticipation has fully set in at the Halls of Mental Midgetry. It won’t be long now…

On Remote Wars...

There are many things about marriage that cannot really be explained to you until it’s way too late and you have been bound as one before God and “these witnesses”. Before getting married, my wife and I, in our wisdom and understanding of “what it takes”, thought we were pretty insulated from major marital confrontations. Our relationship was based on two founding principles of which we agreed upon completely: 1) Jesus is Lord, and 2) The New Jersey Devils are not Him. (If you didn’t get the second half of that, it’s okay, you probably were not the intended target). It was generally known that in everything else we were polar opposites. We were going to be two enlightened individuals, guided by the principles of compromise and above petty squabbles that afflict you weaker scum…er, couples.

It wasn’t until a while later (e.g., during our honeymoon) that the first major confrontation occurred. I like to call it “The Remote Affair”. I believe my wife calls it “The Day I First Asserted My Dominance Over You”. I like my title better, although I can’t explain why. I don’t want to get into the gory details, but let’s just say that at one point I had placed the remote on the floor, cocked my leg up and had given my wife a look of “Are you really going to make me mark my territory”? She countered with the threat of a double-barreled assault. In the first barrel was “nagging” and the second contained “guilt”…and her look stated clearly “Are you feeling lucky? Punk.” I didn’t even know she liked Clint Eastwood, and although slightly aroused, I was also terrified.

I am, of course, speaking in metaphors, but you get the clear idea. Sometimes compromise means relinquishing all that you hold dear. Compromise, in other words, sucks…

Which brings me to my point. Yesterday my wife and I received a package in the mail from one of my oldest friends and his wife. Since they are in Houston, they were unable to attend any of the now infamous showers mentioned previously. Within the package there were two gifts for me. The first was a baby “manual”, which will come in very handy once I’ve determined which end goes up. I eagerly opened the second gift because it was very obviously a DVD, something I know considerably more about…

Perhaps it is because my friend has been away for a few years living in Texas, but I had forgotten how cruel he could be. This was no DVD. I’m not even sure what you call it. I think he called it something like “your future”. Before I past out, I distinctly recall seeing the words Barbie…and I think something about princesses. I believe you’ll agree with me that there are some lines you do not cross…the first always being The Mason-Dixon Line, but I think I’m making a case for the other kind…

And that is when it hit me. While my wife won the first round of the remote wars, even our combined powers will not be able to stop the blitzkrieg of Barney’s, Wiggles, and assorted Barbie and princess derivatives that will arrive in the next few years. Not even my Netflix list will likely go unscathed. I mean, there are only so much cartoon unicorns a man can take before he needs his helping of Braveheart.

There is only one thing to do. We must purchase another TV and DVD player. How else can I keep my sanity while the TV raises my child for me? A little warning from you fathers out there would have been helpful you know…

On Narnia...

I have not yet seen The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe despite the not so subtle hint from my wife that “this is my Lord of the Rings”. For those of you who where not around me during the release of the LOTR series, let’s just say that my geek was on… So the seriousness of her commitment to Narnia was not lost on me. I too enjoyed a bit of the Aslan from time to time, but still preferred my Hobbits. One thing I do know though is that when the pregnant lady speaks, you make it happen.

However, when Narnia (No, I’m not going to write out the full title) released on Friday I began to hear the first rumblings of controversy regarding the Christian allegory in the movie. To be sure, the rumblings were there for a while, but I'm usually late to the party. Actually, it is apparently two different controversies. The first is whether the Narnia series is actually a Christian allegory at all, and the second is what I call the Bizarro Harry Potter affect.

I want to apologize in advance though…you know, before I get into it. I did something in this post that I do not condone and certainly hope doesn’t become a mainstay here at the Halls of Mental Midgetry. I did research… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike research as I do, say, planning…but it’s just that research is tiring. It cuts into my “staring aimlessly” time that I so cherish here at work.

I’ll admit, the controversy over whether Narnia is supposed to represent a Christian allegory had me scratching my head. I get that there are many non-religious or other-religious folks who have read the entire Chronicles of Narnia and weren’t strangely drawn to give their lives to Christ. There is certainly more in the stories than just a dressed up Gospel. There is adventure and grand story telling to name two. There are also many other characters and ideas drawn from the world of myth that he (and his pal J.R.R Tolkien) loved. But when Lewis states in other writings to his fans that Narnia represents how Christ would act in a world of talking animals, what more is there to debate? I know this is going to require additional research, but I swore that in The Last Battle (the last book of the Chronicles of Narnia) that Aslan himself states that his name is Jesus in the world of the humans. I could be on crack though…it wouldn’t be the first time. Regardless, there is significant documentation stating pretty clearly Lewis’s intentions.

The more interesting controversy to me though, is that there are those that fully get the Christian allegory in the movie and are most unhappy about it. I think this has more to do with the marketing than anything. Apparently Disney spent a portion of their marketing budget on specifically targeting churches and other Christian organizations. That portion was something like 5%, but of course this means that Disney is foisting an inherently Christian film on the unsuspecting masses. It all reminds me too much of the Harry Potter idiocy that Christians hyperventilate about annually before each movie release. The critics of Narnia are as predictable as the critics of Harry Potter. The Guardian, a U.K. newspaper, was pretty merciless as was the New York Times Magazine just to name two. The ACLU is taking on Gov. Bush over a reading contest on the Chronicles of Narnia, stating in violates the separation of church and state. And the band plays on…

Seriously folks. It’s is just because that now I’m an adult…loosely defined mind you, but adult nonetheless…that I now see that everything has to not only be debated, but fought over? Is it so terrible that an evangelical Christian go to see Harry Potter films, or that a child reads The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe in school? Are our beliefs that narrow that we need to treat each other like pariah? It's all just so...tiring...

On Man Showers (Part II)...

You may recall my post a little over a week ago regarding the Man Shower. In that post I derided the so-called baby showers that women…do, and outlined how a Man Shower is superior in about every facet of partydom known. Perhaps you did not believe me even though I stated the situation clearly. Possibly you are of the female persuasion and were offended at my brazen attack on your time-honored traditions. But I am nothing if not a seeker of Truth, and the Truth is that cigars beat “gift-bingo” games any day of the week. If you are not sure what “gift-bingo” is, let me assure you that it is terrifying.

This Friday, the Man Shower v3.0 was thrown for me and two other prospective fathers. Approximately 20 men somehow tied to one of the expectant fathers attended the event. If I told you that we held the festivities on a piece of land bigger than .2 acres in Northern Virginia, you’d call me a liar. But I’m telling you, there was a barn involved, and even though it now houses a state of the art home office, outside it still looks sufficiently rustic.

We had the customary three course meal...dinner, cigar, dessert. The first course was prepared for us by Chef Blue Badger. Now, although my feelings of the Blue Badger are acclaimed, when it comes to food, there is an established détente. Frankly, the boy can cook. There was meat. Glorious, well prepared meat. Some of it was even sufficiently red and heart clogging. And starch was also “in the house” as the homies say. There were also greens. Usually I don't condone the eating of anything that was not actually slaughtered, but the greens were laced with meat making them magically delicious…so delicious in fact, that if all vegetables were prepared that way, I’d totally become a vegetarian.

The second course was a nice helping of tobacco in its cigarish form. I'll confess a bit here, I only partook of one helping of the tobacco since I'm a documented lightweight. Let’s just say that I sometimes suffer from a disease called projectus vomitus if I consume too much. I learned that particular hard lesson in college after eating cafeteria spaghetti and smoking a Dominican brand cigar. I believe a dorm courtyard was involved…and some bushes… I know that hating life and wanting to die were there in force.

Because there was not enough smoke generated by over a dozen cigars, we held the event outside between two bonfires. It’s a good thing too because that night was about 19 degrees. On the off chance that someone in, say, Minnesota is reading this and laughs at my whining, please note that you are the freak, not me. I think I'd get an "amen" from the congregation on that one. 19 degrees in Virginia breaks the U.S. laws regarding torture…or at the very least, cruel and unusual punishment. My first inclination was to blame the Bush Administration since that is en vogue. But I decided to send my complaints higher than that to Heaven with the attn: God. My memo was entitled “Global Warming: Get On It, Dude”. Somehow we persevered though, despite losing all feeling in our toes. Finally, for dessert we retreated back to the warmth for pie and cheesecake. Lacking anything really enlightening to say about dessert, I’ll just leave it at “it was good”.

The best part of Man Showers, especially those that feature more than one father-to-be, are the mix of guys you get to participate. The majority of those were from the same church I go to, but I also had some childhood friends there and two workmates who were sufficiently terrified to hang out with me outside of work. There were also a few guys I had never met, two of which sat at the same table as me. One of these guys was a linguist who knew like 854 languages. Next to him sat a guy with an obvious non-American accent, who asked the linguist to guess his nationality. To much hilarity, our table discovered that Kiwis (New Zealanders) don’t like to be mistaken for Australians.

In all seriousness, I know that many of you who were involved in the Man Shower are reading this. Thanks for your participation. Also, thanks to the planners and cooks and everyone else who spent their time making the Man Shower what it is…a gluttonous frenzy.

On Anniversaries...

On Wednesday I marked my first full month as a blogger. Don’t be fooled by my first post on 19 Oct. That was the day I started the draft, but I didn’t actually post until 7 Nov. I must say, I’m rather surprised that I’ve lasted this long. I didn’t really think I had much to say. You who have read some of my posts might say that I still don’t have much to say.

The second anniversary…well, pre-anniversary I guess, is that we are officially a month away from delivery. In one month, and 2.5 hours (at the time of this writing), I will likely either already be a father, or moments away from it. How’s that for a wake up?

On The Christmas CONOPs...

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’ve really been thinking a lot about parenting lately. There have also been one or two stray thoughts about Christmas. I generally don’t like having more than one thing dominating my thoughts at a time, so I decided to do some mental consolidation and combine the two. Ultimately, that led me to the conclusion that a decision needs to be made regarding how to parent during Christmas. As it has been noted elsewhere, I do currently possess a piece of paper, framed, that states my qualifications to be scientific about politics. I am a political scientist. As such, when faced with a decision like the one outlined above (e.g., parenting at Christmas) I find myself forming a policy statement of some kind. Perhaps even a Concept of Operations (CONOPs). At any rate, some sort of plan needs to be in place so I can change it when faced with a future reality.

So I began to develop my Christmas CONOPs with the awareness that Commander in Chief: House (CINCHOUSE) would ultimately have to approve. Some of you may be lost in all this military speak I’m throwing around. Know that I am sorry, but sometimes it cannot be helped. It’s my world; it affects me. Also, note that I am not CINCHOUSE and with the impending arrival of Kaleigh, I fear my position may be slipping further…

But I’ve digressed…

As I stated, the development of the Christmas CONOPs is currently on my radar. My wife and I are fairly conservative in our beliefs, and since those beliefs are of a Christian persuasion, not having Christ be part of Christmas seems a bit counter-intuitive. Since we have elevated Christ to the primary position during the holiday…perhaps even “the reason for the season”, Santa Claus’ usefulness is under review.

On one end, I certainly believe that Santa has totally supplanted any religious reason for the holiday, even among Christians. While the concept of gift giving is admirable, it seems like rampant and even aggressive commercialism so parents can prop up the Santa regime among their naïve children, undermines that value. Not to mention, how do I tell her that while Jesus, his miracles and his resurrection are real, that Santa, his reindeer and sleigh, and chimney dropping are not. I’m not sure that does much for the whole taking things on faith deal, especially your faith in your parents. Furthermore, it’s not like Jews and Muslims make up imaginary people…or even animals (yes, I’m looking at you Mr. Easter Bunny) to spice up their religious observances. Although, I must admit that I’ve been working on this concept where Mr. Ramadan Camel spits assorted sweet meats to good little Muslim girls and boys…but only after sundown. I think it has potential.

Totally negating religion, what do I tell Kaleigh when little Britney, the spoiled hell in pigtails neighbor with rich parents, gets more and better toys from Santa? She’ll know that Britney was a totally waste of oxygen the past year, but will not understand why Santa favored her. How do I explain to her that economics makes Britney’s Santa a little bit more forgiving (or flat out blind) while her Santa is trying to live off one income in Northern Virginia? Maybe I'm just bitter that Santa didn't bring me that 6 foot long G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier in 1986...the bastard.

Then again, I know that there are other Christians who negate Mr. Claus totally. Their belief is that he has zero place in the holiday and our focus, specifically as Christians, should be solely on Christ. Some have even substituted a birthday cake for Jesus as the sole holiday observance. I don’t think they even have Christmas trees due to its ties to paganism. Of course, they’d have to ignore the whole reason we celebrate Christmas during this time…and by time I mean during the Winter Solstice…

In the end, I can’t really imagine celebrating Christmas without some of the non-religious pageantry. I’m for dang sure not giving up the tree, of which much has already been written. It’s not like Santa is totally without historical reference with the whole St. Nick deal. I think as long as we take care to teach Kaleigh the real reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place, allowing her to also force herself to stay awake on Christmas Eve on the off chance of hearing Santa on the roof should be allowed. Heck, even at 30, when I’m at my parents house for Christmas I still strain to see if I can hear them setting up shop downstairs.

On Assembly Required...

Know thyself. I’m not sure who said that, but since they used “thyself” they have to be someone old…perhaps even ancient and of Greek persuasion. I have found this fledgling blogging experience interesting in that it has taught me a few things about myself; it has made me more introspective. In case you are wondering, no, I’m not typing this with a straight face. Introspection is not something I enjoy doing. There is just way too much going on in there that I think I’ll let my conscience and soul have some privacy thank you.

One thing I do know though, I do not enjoy assembling stuff. It is not that I’m bad at it so much as that I’m…okay, so it is that I’m bad at it. In the end, I get the thing assembled, it just takes about twice as long as it should have, and usually requires that I undo a portion of what I’ve already assembled. Diagrams and instruction manuals are not what I call intriguing, and most of the time I can’t be bothered until disaster has struck.

Let me give you a little hint. If you suffer (or thrive as I like to think) from this condition, do not get pregnant…or in my case, get someone else pregnant. Doing so firmly enters you into the world of “Assembly Required”, where everything requires some sort of engineering degree. I’m a political science major for goodness sake, we don’t know how to do anything… and that is by design.

To compound things, my wife is just about on the opposite side of the spectrum. We bought an outdoor grill two summers ago that required assembly, much to my dismay. We bought it on a Sunday and I agreed to put it together the following Monday evening. My wife, who was home for the summer break and cannot stand things standing around unassembled, took it upon herself to build the grill on her own. I returned home to find a fully assembled grill. Now, do you think that I was angry that my wife for this obvious attack on my manhood (grills are, after all, the domain of the man)? Are you kidding? That was like Christmas in July to me.

Unfortunately, my wife is currently Kaleigh impaired. I looked around the house for the B team to come in and get these things assembled. To my horror I discovered that I am the B team…or at the very least, I’m all we have. So last night I diligently sat down to assemble the bassinette that Kaleigh will sleep in for about 1 month of her life. I’ll skip to the end and say that we now have an assembled bassinette despite the existence of many bolts, screws and other assorted pieces…and much swearing. It’s not like I was totally alone. My wife did read me the instruction manual step by step and was very helpful in pointing out what needed to go where….and that is all I’m going to say about that.

There is a crib in my future that I will attempt to put off for as long as possible. I figure that means I’ll be assembling that tomorrow night.

On Life Results...

I came to work today feeling a little incomplete. Quickly checking, I can confirm that I am wearing underwear, so that’s not it. Plus, it felt internal, like something of substance was missing. Maybe even a character flaw of some sort.

So there was nothing to do but to quickly head to my resource of knowledge that always seems to tell me what I need to know…the Internet. In times like these, I find it is most important to find a personality test, or something that might rate my life. Best of all, since it is on the Internet, it has to be scientific and proven. So I wandered over to this site to find what ails me.

My results were enlightening:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.3
Mind:	6.7
Body:	5.7
Spirit:	8.4
Friends/Family:	7.7
Love:	9.1
Finance:	7.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

So with results like those, I think the only thing that can be deduced...via analysis is that I'm spiritual and know how to love... for a stupid fat boy.

By the way, it turns out what I was feeling was hunger. Water and two pop tarts later I now feel whole again.

On TCHS vs. TCOKM...

Ah yes, Christmas time is upon us. You may think that an obvious statement, but I have decided that today is the day I officially recognize The Christmas Holiday Season (TCHS) so to me, it’s fresh. I generally wait until December begins to recognize TCHS, but since last week was shared with November, I decided, arbitrarily, that today was the day. I also had nothing else to blog about, so it works out…

Some of you might be of the persuasion that Christmas began the day after Thanksgiving. You may have even participated in Black Friday and started your holiday shopping. There is medical terminology for your condition…pathetic I believe is what it is called. Regardless of the fact that I purchased a tree on 28 November and then decorated it on 30 November, I did not internally recognize TCHS. I’m strong…I’m an oak actually. I didn’t even hum along with the Christmas music played ad nauseum everywhere.

The problem is that TCHS this year is in direct competition with The Coming Of Kaleigh Madison (TCOKM). So much so, that my wife and I will be grounded from travel over TCHS and will not share the holiday with either of our families for the first time ever. I’ve always wondered what Christmas would be like just the two of us. As that theory is starting to become reality, I think I liked it better when it was just a theory. Don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time with the Fake Tree Princess. Frankly, that alone time is what got us into TCOKM in the first place. However, it just seems like TCHS is supposed to be shared with the extended family.

I really want to make this TCHS as good as possible for the Fake Tree Princess. After all, she is starting to feel the real physical challenges of being pregnant and is not going to be up to the task of planning...and more importantly executing those plans. So, I need to be on my A game, especially because the 30 birthday...well, it did not go as advertised on TV. I need to come up with something good. Something that says: I-know-you-are-all-bulbous-and-swollen-,-but-we-are-going-to-have-a-fabulous-time-just-the-two-of-us-.-.-.ya-dig-? I’m a pretty creative guy, so I don’t necessarily need your help. You know, I just want to make you feel included. That being said…HELP!!

On Inevitability...

Well, it looks like it’s a done deal. Despite serious questions to the real motives of the OB/GYN delivering our daughter we now have made the final decision to do a c-section. My wife obtained a second decision from an unaffiliated doctor yesterday (e.g., not a doctor affiliated with her current doctor’s practice). He basically admitted that he had not seen a case of a women delivering with a diaphragmatic hernia before, but that with modern c-sections successful about 99% of the time, why risk it? He ran down the risk factors if something were to go wrong with her hernia, including risks to the child if she were unable to push our daughter out and an emergency c-section were to be performed. That being said, he did understand the reason we wanted a second opinion. Apparently even he thought that not having a banana head baby probably wasn’t a sound reason to just up and have major surgery.

So it looks like 9 January at 12:00pm is around the time Kaleigh Madison will take her first breath outside the womb. I don’t want to freak any of you out, because I’m certainly not about to pass out or anything, but that is only about 5 weeks away. I’ve had certain foods stay in my gestational track longer than that. I’m not always able to describe my…uh…feelings well. So I’ll use a movie reference to describe what I’m thinking. Remember in The Matrix (the good one) where Neo and Agent Smith are fighting in the subway station. Neo is pinned down on the train tracks when you hear the train coming and Smith says: “You hear that. That is the sound of inevitability”.

Sorry for the movie reference, it was the best I could do right now. I thought of doing an interpretive dance, but those don’t translate well to blogs…

On Backpedaling...

I was pretty harsh yesterday regarding the baby showers that women inflict on each other. I just want to clarify, for those of you who were offended, that I have zero problems with baby showers. I find the concept of a baby shower to be extremely cool…and lucrative. After three baby showers over the past month, and another this weekend, my daughter’s first year is basically already financed. Thanks to my wife’s genetic design, barring any unforeseen problems, I don’t even have to worry about paying for food for the first few months.

Seriously, the generosity of our friends has been overwhelming, and it amazes me that people who don’t even know us are giving us gifts. We had a baby shower in South Carolina that was attended by my parent’s Sunday school class…only three people of which I had ever met. At least 40 women (notice their husbands didn’t come…) attended and met my wife and I for the first time. Honestly, I need to learn how to parlay this generosity into other types of “showers”. Hmmm… I wonder what kind of response I’d get if I threw an Xbox 360 shower?

But I digress…

No, yesterday’s post was all about a battle of the sexes thing. In other words, I called women, not baby showers, boring. So see, now you know what to be offended about…

But please, please continue to invite me to your Southern Living parties. Frankly, those are just a freakin’ public service…