On Not Talking About Citrus...

Man, I really don’t want to do two health related posts in a row. It's pathetic and a little too much continuity in my posting style. I like to jump around a bit more in what I...uh, discuss? And I’m really not trying to drum up sympathy…but if your sympathy includes money, then consider me my own percussion section. Let's see those checks come flowing in people...like a Mental Midget telethon. However, I do feel compelled to be a service announcement of sorts. Like a “the more you know”…or “knowing is half the battle” type of thing. It's about the knowing...

Because you see…Lymes Disease has really nothing to do with citrus…which was a real bummer when I found out. I thought it kind of funny when the doctor wanted to take blood to test for traces of lime. I mean, its been a while since I let any kind of fruit touch these insides…which might be a reason for something…I just can’t think of what right now. Moving away from my dietary genius, it was a little disturbing to be told that Lymes comes from ticks…that had recently dined…on me. That thought is crazy enough. I mean, tick, couldn't you do a little better than this? Are you homeless? Dining out of the trash today are we? Haven't you seen my neighbors. I think they might be a much better decision. Alas, ticks these days. You can lead them to sweet pasture, but they still go for the dregs...

Now, I do disgust myself from time to time, but I assure you that I wash thoroughly…and daily. While not known for much, I am known for my showering skills that are more marathonish than sprint…uh, ish. I can’t recall that last time I didn’t have a shower for the day… That thought actually skeeves me out a little. So this little guy must have been sneaky. Must have hid in my hair somewhere. Right now I know my wife would love to say "probably in your unibrow"... which is just mean. And partially true.

However, I do know whose fault this all is…Bailey…our dog. Or should I say my wife’s dog. I don’t want to imply that I dislike the dog…I just wish he was yours…so I could visit him and pet him and talk to him like a baby…but just at your house. See, I got this tick from him…or from walking him at some point. This is why I like to swear off both going outside and exercising. They are not natural, and worse, they often let nature do things...awful things to you. Take your lesson from me. You see that sun, you run...and don't look back. You see woods...you move...to Arizona or something. Nothing in the desert can hurt you. So both failed me. They did this to me. Bailey did this to me. Be careful, I might blame you next…

Ah, antibiotics…alas, I know thee well…

On The Audacity of Health...

Audacity indeed. When I was about 10 years old…and even when I was a teenager in high school and I supposedly knew better, I believed that a person was near death when they reached their 30’s. To me, there was always the possibility that I might lose one or both parents to old age since…well, they were always old age. Today, I’m literally in wonder that they are just turning 60, which is now, to my thinking…still frickin’ old, but not so imminently detrimental to their lives.

What bothers me though is that apparently 33 is when the body starts to fall apart…and I mean completely. And worse is that apparently my contemporaries are not having the same issues. I find this to be no fair, and just a little rude on their part…on your part. Just because Tylenol is not one of your four major food groups does not make you a better person. Here is a little bit of my day today:

Nurse Practitioner: So, are you on any medication.
Me: Well, I just came off of three weeks of antibiotics. I’m also on Nexium, and 80mg of Lipitor.
NP: 80mg of Lipitor!? But you are so young…
Me: Yeah sister, tell me about it…

(Later in the exam)

NP: Well, I’m not sure what is up. So let’s get more labs for Lyme’s Disease, Mono, Chronic Fatigue…and your being ridiculously good looking (okay, I made that last part up…there is no cure for that).

Me: Sweet. (Meaning: not so sweet)

NP: Do you have any other questions for me?

Me: Yes, WHISKEY, TANGO, FOXTROT…

(and even later)

Tech: Have you been to a Quest Lab before?
Me: You mean you don’t remember me. You frakkin’ took blood from me on Tuesday..of this week.
Tech: Really. Sorry to hear that.
Me: Yeah, me too.

Now, I know it may seem like I’m complaining right now…okay, maybe a little more than seem, but I’m really just frustrated. Like most men, I’m a total wheenie when it comes to not feeling well. I mean, bruises and cuts are not big deal, especially when obtained doing something manly…and hairy. But blood in the urine…that crap ain’t right, or appreciated. Now don’t get me wrong, I was pretty pleased that I got to utilize some cool technology with not one, but two CT scans. And playing with the wheelchair in an empty hallway, while wearing the cool “gown of butt showingness” was also pretty rad… But getting a prostate exam in front of my dad…um…yeah…was not…rad.

In reality, these tests really are proving that I’m not really that sick, or at least not with anything major…hopefully. Lyme’s disease would not be really high on the list of things to have. But ruling out worse stuff is good. Really, when thinking about expanding my family in December, and laying around for weeks while my daughter runs around me, is not my idea of where I wanted to be in my 30’s. I know in the end this will turn out to be nothing but an annoying case of sinusitis or something completely treatable, but seriously, right now I should be in a gym working out…or at least thinking about it…

And friends, thus endeth my rant….didn’t you miss them. I believe many of you asked for them in fact...maybe you're the one with the issues...