On Phases...

Remarkably, K-Mad is still alive. I find this to be further evidence that, on occasion, I am capable of some things. Apparently keeping another human breathing for over two months is one of those things. I take satisfaction in this fact, although my wife does share in the accomplishment. I guess technically since she has the feeding instrumentation that I lack, her portion of the glory is somewhat larger than mine. Still, at the very least I haven’t hindered the life process any…and I do…uh, rock a mean rocking chair. I have mad skills in the art of sleep inducement. I wonder if that can be put on a resume? Actually, I wonder if that is a character flaw…

First time parenthood is certainly an interesting experience. It amazes me constantly how much really has changed…and how much really hasn’t. I think what is more amazing is how quickly you tend to learn what to do, even in the midst of being terrified of failure…or at the very least some sort of damage to K-Mad’s frail psyche. When it comes down to it though, you live and learn and try to sift through the mass of information (much of it contradictory) thrown at you constantly.

We’ve also started to recognize the different phases that K-Mad is going through. It’s been a real treat watching each of them. First was the eat, sleep, poo phase of the initial month or so. In this phase, getting the feeding and sleeping schedule down is the prime concern. Of course, there are scientific and soulful discussions about the amount and consistency of poo being produced out of this new, and totally wild animal we’ve created. During this time one notes the changing colors, amount and alternative fuel possibilities of the dirty diaper. There are even congratulations from parent to child on creating particularly righteous amounts of bright orange…excretions. Sometimes charts are kept that identify how many times a day our little bundle of defecation provided desired results…and there is much consternation if poo is not present and accounted for…

You also start to learn the cries of your child. This is particularly frustrating at first. Was that a hungry cry? Is she in pain? Is she dirty or wet? Does she have gas? It’s not like there is some Rosetta Stone of braying babies out there. This takes analysis…something I am infinitely qualified to do if you remember. In the first month, all the cries sound alike to the untrained ear. Thus, a checklist of cry remedies is created. This may be a mental process, but nevertheless, it's real. For example, the baby cries...the parents immediately go into lock down mode. Is she wet...no (check in the box). Okay, is she hungry...no (check in the box)...and on down the line until the crying stops, or the parents give up.

We are currently in a new phase. The crying has become much more identifiable for one. There is a real difference between the “something’s wrong with me you cretins” cry and the “I’m annoyed, bored or cranky” cry. We're a little bit more scheduled on the poo train too. We’re on the two-a-day track now, although when those two come can still be a mystery. Of course, Mom and Dad still don the lab coats to examine just what was produced in this diaper and confer, write technical reports and run test to make sure all is acceptable.

But there is one defining thing about this phase that did not exist before…cooing.

Cooing. This is probably the most insidious part of this phase. Adults, particularly men, are helpless to stop the flood of emotion that comes when your child looks at you with blue eyes that have yet to change and smiles…and then emits some sort of happy noise. It’s unfair really. I mean, I’ve been trying to build up my defenses for when she becomes a teenager. I thought it appropriate to start the process early so I’d be ready. I can’t have my heart melting constantly every time I’m holding K-Mad. Walls have to be made sister, so wipe that smile of your face for goodness sake.

Next thing you know, she’ll be calling me by name. I’m not sure I’m ready for that…