On Family Ties...
If my emails are to be believed, some of you…particularly those of you who are my aunts…have gone into a weird kind of withdrawal from my lack of consistent posting on this blog. My mother has jumped on this bandwagon of…nagging, which I now call the NagWagon, and told me last night that I “really should be updating more”. Right…I’ll keep that under advisement. Seriously woman, I provided you with a grandchild. I thought that guaranteed me a guilt free existence from here on out…
I know why this is happening though. It’s been happening my whole life, and I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not surprising that it finally invaded my internet life either. I’m only surprised it took this long. So forgive me… I’m about to make it awkward here for you. I’m bringing you into the family feud that has existed since the beginning of creation...my creation. I’m going to force you to take a side. I’m going to force you to take my side.
You see, in my family, I’ m the Black Sheep…
I’m that cousin…
There are certain rules that apparently came along with being born into my family. The first has to do with geographic loyalty. Despite where you are born…or even where you currently live, you are expected to pay homage to South Carolina has the finest state of the union. You are also supposed to pine away for the day you will return to it’s red clay shores. Unless you are an atheist, it can be generally assumed that at the end of your life, you’d like to end up in Heaven…or at least a place that allows for guilt free dining at Taco Bell. I firmly believe that my family would tell you that heaven will be great, it just won’t be no South Carolina.
I’m a Virginian…
You see the problem now…
Further exacerbating my familial non-compliance, I did not graduate from The Citadel. There is an understanding among the males of my family that extends to those cousins who do not share my last name. Basically, if you have the blood of Beeley Jr. in you, there is only one acceptable establishment of higher education. My grandfather, father, one of my uncles, and two of my three male cousins have all graduated (or in the case of one, hoping to graduate) from said institution. I grew up on The Citadel like Catholics grow up on Notre Dame. I had a “provisional appointment” to the Citadel hanging on my bedroom wall…since birth. If The Citadel were a lonely country street light, my family would be the moths mysteriously attracted to it. I ain't no moth...
I went to James Madison University…
In Virginia…
The picture may be getting clearer for you…
Now, I’m not trying to get you to believe that my family harbors any ill will towards me. In fact, they get great pleasure in reminding me of my…shortcomings. Let me tell you how the next family gathering is going to play out. My grandfather will tell me that I can “still get an education at The Citadel” if I’m so inclined. My aunt will remind me that her son is currently there. My other cousin will remind me that not only did I not go to The Citadel, and that I do not live in South Carolina…but that I did not produce the first great grandchild either.
The honest truth of the matter is though, that they are enamored with me. How could they not be? I am, in point of fact, dead sexy…in a love handle kind of way. I represent something totally foreign to them. Mystery. I don’t think they know what I’ll do next. I have them totally of guard…and it makes me giggle. Maybe I'll move out west...or overseas. Maybe I'll cheer for Furman...okay, that's a little too much even for me. I think that’s why they flock to this blog seeking some sort of entrée into my mind. They want to know exactly how a brain produced by the Beeley line went so totally in the opposite direction.
Okay, maybe not in the totally opposite direction. I still refuse to live above the Mason-Dixon line for crying out loud. I do have limits to my rebellion after all.
I know why this is happening though. It’s been happening my whole life, and I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not surprising that it finally invaded my internet life either. I’m only surprised it took this long. So forgive me… I’m about to make it awkward here for you. I’m bringing you into the family feud that has existed since the beginning of creation...my creation. I’m going to force you to take a side. I’m going to force you to take my side.
You see, in my family, I’ m the Black Sheep…
I’m that cousin…
There are certain rules that apparently came along with being born into my family. The first has to do with geographic loyalty. Despite where you are born…or even where you currently live, you are expected to pay homage to South Carolina has the finest state of the union. You are also supposed to pine away for the day you will return to it’s red clay shores. Unless you are an atheist, it can be generally assumed that at the end of your life, you’d like to end up in Heaven…or at least a place that allows for guilt free dining at Taco Bell. I firmly believe that my family would tell you that heaven will be great, it just won’t be no South Carolina.
I’m a Virginian…
You see the problem now…
Further exacerbating my familial non-compliance, I did not graduate from The Citadel. There is an understanding among the males of my family that extends to those cousins who do not share my last name. Basically, if you have the blood of Beeley Jr. in you, there is only one acceptable establishment of higher education. My grandfather, father, one of my uncles, and two of my three male cousins have all graduated (or in the case of one, hoping to graduate) from said institution. I grew up on The Citadel like Catholics grow up on Notre Dame. I had a “provisional appointment” to the Citadel hanging on my bedroom wall…since birth. If The Citadel were a lonely country street light, my family would be the moths mysteriously attracted to it. I ain't no moth...
I went to James Madison University…
In Virginia…
The picture may be getting clearer for you…
Now, I’m not trying to get you to believe that my family harbors any ill will towards me. In fact, they get great pleasure in reminding me of my…shortcomings. Let me tell you how the next family gathering is going to play out. My grandfather will tell me that I can “still get an education at The Citadel” if I’m so inclined. My aunt will remind me that her son is currently there. My other cousin will remind me that not only did I not go to The Citadel, and that I do not live in South Carolina…but that I did not produce the first great grandchild either.
The honest truth of the matter is though, that they are enamored with me. How could they not be? I am, in point of fact, dead sexy…in a love handle kind of way. I represent something totally foreign to them. Mystery. I don’t think they know what I’ll do next. I have them totally of guard…and it makes me giggle. Maybe I'll move out west...or overseas. Maybe I'll cheer for Furman...okay, that's a little too much even for me. I think that’s why they flock to this blog seeking some sort of entrée into my mind. They want to know exactly how a brain produced by the Beeley line went so totally in the opposite direction.
Okay, maybe not in the totally opposite direction. I still refuse to live above the Mason-Dixon line for crying out loud. I do have limits to my rebellion after all.
posted by Beeley at 11:09 AM
12 Comments:
You're right about one thing (actually about several things)but now that you have given Dad and me our first grandchild, you are free of most guilt (not all, though!)This was funny and I'm sure your aunt and cousins will enjoy it too. That's our Beeley!!
Love you!
Bill, you always do what I did....temporarily leave the mothership (aka Virginia) for an excellent education at...Clemson. That way you are somewhat fulfilling your grandfather's suggestion of education in South Carolina, but you don't have to shave your head and work off those love handles...
Then again, I ended up in Texas of all places...but I'm still a Virginian!
OK, to all you dear friends out there who are reading Odes to Mental Midgetry; FIRST OF ALL, the shores of the GREAT STATE of South Carolina are SANDY! In fact, a great portion of the state is made up of either sand or good rich black soil. The northern teir is where you find hard, orange clay. HOWEVER, it remains a GREAT STATE and worthy of awe and admiration. SECOND of ALL, Mr. LazyBeeley is not even a native Virginian! He's an Arizonan by birth...just remember the Mental Midgetry part, Friends. Now to my precious youngest nephew: remember when you were 10, we were at the beach and we mistakenly left you at the Big House alone? I think we were going out to eat or something..well, maybe it WASN'T a mistake! HAAAAAAAA!!!! And I think it's YOU who can't forget the decision to NOT attend the Citadel, like so many other great Plowden men and relatives. We love you Bill, you're just kind of.....lesser?!?!! ha,ha,ha,ha. You think YOU are the Black Sheep? Well, maybe among the men, but I hold that title among the women.
Love you!
THE Aunt
Only move to South Carolina if you hang a portrait of the late great Senator Strom Thurmond in your home.
How short is your baby anyway?
GO Hokies (and VMI)
See you soon.
Love,
Your cousin-in-law born and raised in Virginia
(who is married to a Citadel graduate, lives near the beach in SC, and gave birth to the first Great-Grand Child and currently cooking the next...)
I say I'm a Virginian because of the...oh, 23 years I've lived here. That's about 20.5 more years than I lived in Arizona. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of my Arizona...flava...too. I'm also proud of my South Carolina roots...I just don't think it is necessarily where the Garden of Eden was actually located.
You will have a very hard time convincing anyone that I'm the one who brings up...or cares, about the lack of Citadel stink on my resume... But let's make a friendly wager. Later this month, when I've returned to "the mother ship" as Mike says, bet you $50 that the Patriarch mentions it before me.
OK, "Bah-Bah". I know you went to James Madison, so this is all probably a little over your head. I'll try to use small words and short sentences. If I could post pictures, or make this a "pop-up" blog with "scratch n' sniff" features that'd probably help, but no such luck.
Try to keep up...
A) You got one thing right, and for that I see you have potential to improve. The Citadel awaits you. You did not produce the first great grand-child, natural heir to the throne of Plowden, and most likely to be able to ride any ride she wants at DisneyWord by age 4 because she is THAT tall!!
B) The only reason we want you in SC is because it's already shameful to the rest of the family that you choose to wallow in a state of self-denial for no good reason. But now, you have brought this shame to a whole new bloodline, as well as a totally unsuspecting, but otherwise wonderful wife. The least you could do is move to Southern Virginia where they actually serve stuff like grits and sweet tea (also known as brain food and energy drinks). You've gotten so used to smog and carbon monoxide that you probably think that's what Ghinseng and Red Bull are for.
Look, I know you went to Mad Jimmy's School for Continuing Edu-mucation, but even you have to recognize the fact that you commute 2 hours to work everyday with about a zillion other people in a big city that doesn't even have decent grocery stores. Dude, I'm at the beach in 10 minutes. During tourist season. Against the wind. With child in tow. I've got gourment grocers within 5 minutes, and work is a comfortable 20 minutes away...and we pretty much have the same employer!!!
Here, I'll prove this to you...
I'll be right back, I'm having a craving for Calamari and bruschetta, so I'm going to leave the house...go to the grocer...make the customary contractual exchange of currency...and return....
...Aaaaaaand, voila, I'm back.
See?! 10 minutes, round trip. That wouldn't have even gotten you within visual range of the closest "Chicken Out".
C) As for the "Mysterioso De Guillame"...yes, it's constant. "What will Bill's excuse be for not making it down this time?"
Dr. StrangeHead, we ask that not because we think you'll be in California or cheering for Furman, but because we already know you'll be glued to the monitor waiting anxiously for the next "StrongBad" email or seeing who has logged onto "Masters of Warcraft XVI: Search for the Golden Sofa" so "Sir Beeley of Wettened Bed" can lead another pack of brave online gamers into the infamous lair of "The Dragon's Sock Drawer"...
(as an aside, I've been playing Star Wars Battlefront II, courtesy of one of our cousins...fun stuff, don't tell anyone I've been playing video games...ever).
Mo, Bill, Mo!!! (you do, of course, know that this will give me an infinite amount of joy during 'down-time' at work...don't you?)
HOw do you know that HEAVEN won't be SOUTH CAROLINA?!?!!?haaaaaa. You'll find your way back one day, Beeley. ANd we'll all cheer and give you lots of hugs and kisses.
As to VT and VMI....go Hokies....puke VMI! But all is better than FURMAN. And none of us have a portrait of the late great senator from SC hanging in our homes. We just have memories of the voice and the HANDSHAKE! ha,ha. And you have that too, Beeley. You strange, precious man....Love you!
The Aunt
Why you for to use such big words for Bill and Scott? You both funny, funny mens! You make me sad that I only go to Appalachian State University. I not have a blog nor nothing else to share my thoughts.
Oh well, gots to go... Wrasslin's on the TV.
Uncle RayRay
"Sir Beeley of Wettened Bed" is not bad really. That was basically the best of the "ribbing" so far. The rest of it was predictable and tired.
Although the commute time comment kinda stung... It even smarted a bit... And I'm now strangely hungry for Chicken Out.
Hate to add even more to the family sparring, but I do have to add that I terribly miss Zaxby's...I think I got addicted to that place the two years I was in Heaven...err, South Carolina...
Now I can understand why the urge to move to South Carolina has not been that great for you. Why, all this time you've been thinking we have red clay shores!? Perhaps you should visit more often.
I figured this blog would arouse the deep. Can't say you didn't ask for it. We love to respond to Beeley's "button pushing." Unfortunately, Uncle RayRay hadn't had time to fully express his views because of wrasslin on TV. But he'll come around in due time.
I figure there's probably a few things I could respond to. Yet, as you are learning even now, no matter what your child does (or in my case, says), Dads have this hidden desire to hang with 'em (well sorta).
On family background - No doubt this family has a substantial Citadel background about which you are frequently reminded. But there's another characteristic of the family that one could argue as being more deeply rooted than The Citadel. For 86 years and two generations, Plowden was synonymous with Ford, with a relationship that was almost as close as that of blood relatives. Then, the third generation (me) terminated the relationship in pursuit of another career. Heresy!! Yet, even without the close relationship, we Plowden men have continued our loyalty to Ford, while (you might say) others have deserted.
On The Citadel - You did your part, and gave The Citadel a good look-see. It wasn't the place for you, and you were smart enough to realize it, and not become one who would attend anyway, and be miserable for four years, or less. Instead you went to a great school that Mom and I always enjoyed visiting. And best of all, from there you brought "home" a most wonderful girl to be our daughter-in-law. And now y'all have given us a most precious grandchild. Had you gone to The Citadel, we would never have been blessed with Dana and Kaleigh. You made a great decision.
On South Carolina - You're right that South Carolina is not the Garden of Eden. Not sure I would call it Heaven either. But I'm pretty sure it's the Promise Land. Kaleigh needs to experience it!!! SOON!!!!
Let's not bicker and argue about whose occupied territory is the best... Let's keep it... civil.
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