On Ultimatums...
When exactly is the time that you start, you know, training your child to not be that girl? I am speaking of the hellaciousness that was our past night. I shall remember it eternally as the night she would not do that thing that all of us generally do…sleep. In other words, it was The Night Of No Sleep. Or maybe: The Night Of Anti-Sleep. Seriously, there was a vortex in my bedroom last night and it was consuming my ability to snooze…
…are you getting the point? Do you understand that I am posting with very few of my witty faculties about me? Are you impressed that I, at one point, had a faculty? Someday I hope to have a staff. Someone to write these dialogues we have going between us…that is, you and I…so that I can nap.
To this end, I write an open letter to one Kaleigh Madison:
“Kaleigh,
We, your parents (I will speak for my wife in this case) have concluded that your antics on the night of 22 Jan and the following morning of 23 Jan were unacceptable and highly inconsistent with our family’s stated position on sleeping. Frankly, missy, when I rock you for 30 minutes at 2:00a.m, and you close your eyes to sleep, I expect that you are being honest and forthright and are not just waiting for me to lay you in your bassinet before resuming your crying. I can appreciate being sneaky from time to time. I like a good practical joke, but really, it stopped being funny the third time in a row.
And while on the subject of crying, if you are not wet, soiled, hungry or hot/cold, kindly provide us some kind of explanation…perhaps even a sign as to what ails you so that we may make every effort to provide you comfort. While I am happy that you are already starting out bilingual, you must remember that neither your mother nor I speak “Wah”….although your mother has been known to whine at times…but that is not the same dialect.
In addition, your mother would like to remind you that she works hard to provide you a healthy and full meal every three hours or so… It would be nice if you could be awake during those time periods without us resorting to cold washcloths to assure your proper attention. Failure to comply will meet with the introduction of ice. Don’t you think I’m bluffing neither kiddo. I’m skilled with all forms of ice torture and you will wake up. It would also do you and especially your mother’s psyche good to retain all food that enters your body. We are a pro-milk family, so you just need to learn to like it and not spit it up all over the place. Particularly not on anything that needs to be dry cleaned.
I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement here. I propose that we come up with a schedule. You may remain a cute, lovable and occasionally cranky infant during the hours of 5:30a.m.-10:00p.m. Your best behavior is expected during the other hours. That mainly means sleep when asked to. And if you must act out, please use your “inside voice” and we will get along famously.
Sincerely,
Your Father and Mother"
Kaleigh is a good girl mostly. But do not be surprised if sometime in the near future I have to call you over to participate in an intervention. We are going to nip this in the bud right now…
Right. Now.
…are you getting the point? Do you understand that I am posting with very few of my witty faculties about me? Are you impressed that I, at one point, had a faculty? Someday I hope to have a staff. Someone to write these dialogues we have going between us…that is, you and I…so that I can nap.
To this end, I write an open letter to one Kaleigh Madison:
“Kaleigh,
We, your parents (I will speak for my wife in this case) have concluded that your antics on the night of 22 Jan and the following morning of 23 Jan were unacceptable and highly inconsistent with our family’s stated position on sleeping. Frankly, missy, when I rock you for 30 minutes at 2:00a.m, and you close your eyes to sleep, I expect that you are being honest and forthright and are not just waiting for me to lay you in your bassinet before resuming your crying. I can appreciate being sneaky from time to time. I like a good practical joke, but really, it stopped being funny the third time in a row.
And while on the subject of crying, if you are not wet, soiled, hungry or hot/cold, kindly provide us some kind of explanation…perhaps even a sign as to what ails you so that we may make every effort to provide you comfort. While I am happy that you are already starting out bilingual, you must remember that neither your mother nor I speak “Wah”….although your mother has been known to whine at times…but that is not the same dialect.
In addition, your mother would like to remind you that she works hard to provide you a healthy and full meal every three hours or so… It would be nice if you could be awake during those time periods without us resorting to cold washcloths to assure your proper attention. Failure to comply will meet with the introduction of ice. Don’t you think I’m bluffing neither kiddo. I’m skilled with all forms of ice torture and you will wake up. It would also do you and especially your mother’s psyche good to retain all food that enters your body. We are a pro-milk family, so you just need to learn to like it and not spit it up all over the place. Particularly not on anything that needs to be dry cleaned.
I’m sure we can come to some sort of agreement here. I propose that we come up with a schedule. You may remain a cute, lovable and occasionally cranky infant during the hours of 5:30a.m.-10:00p.m. Your best behavior is expected during the other hours. That mainly means sleep when asked to. And if you must act out, please use your “inside voice” and we will get along famously.
Sincerely,
Your Father and Mother"
Kaleigh is a good girl mostly. But do not be surprised if sometime in the near future I have to call you over to participate in an intervention. We are going to nip this in the bud right now…
Right. Now.
posted by Beeley at 1:06 PM
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